Back to our regularly scheduled programming i.e. St. Anthony's Triathlon RACE REPORT

I knew I felt like I was forgetting something when I left the house.

I knew my uniform felt super breezy and light.

I was even thinking about how comfortable it was and thinking back to when we were trying to choose our uniform, how we all liked the "breezy" one and I was feeling thankful that we picked such a comfy outfit. On this particular morning, it was luxurious! I remember even thinking that!

Well no wonder it was so comfy and breezy -- I realized when I got to the race that I forgot to wear my sports bra underneath it!

I was flapping in the breeze!

(You already know my race reports are full of TMI so I'm not worried about it if you're not. I'm just saying.)

Anyway. People forget things. People forget important things. People forget to wear a sportsbra sometimes.

Oh.

They don't?

You mean that's not one of the items that people carry two of?

Shortly after that little nugget of realization I was pumping up my back tire with the president of our tri group who was volunteering at the race, and as I pulled the pump off my tire, the whole valve busted off. That was just awesome on top of awesome! I'm on a roll here!

Well then we took my tire over to the onsite bike shop tent and quick fixed it and put it back on (thanks Tony!) Which was one "situation" down.

One to go.

I thought about throwing a shirt on for the run and free willying it for the swim and the bike, but then my friend lent me a regular strapless bra (thanks Eve!) so I could cover up and not be obscene for the race. Yes it was weird wearing a strapless bra under my tri suit. Whatever.

So there you go.

Oh yes, also I forgot to close my bike bag which houses my spare tube and all those parts, and with 2 minutes left until transition closed, I sprinted back to my bike, stuffed everything in, closed the bag, but the zipper track reopened because the bag is crap and it wouldn't zip shut. So anyway. Just like last time with the bike computer, this time I had a tire, bike bag and bra blowout. I mean, why not?

Plenty for the race report!

OK I guess I'll start the actual race now. (Yes! You might remember there was a question about whether we'd to the race at all -- but guess what?! No one else got sick! Hooray!)

So. As soon as we arrived at the bright and bushytailed hour of 5 a.m., we found out the swim was shortened because it was so windy and wavy. You might remember the race report from last year (maybe not) but it was windy last year too, only they kept the long version of the swim for me and shortened it for racers after me and it was a freakin rough swim! This time however, they shortened it to 1,000 m from about 1,500m and moved its location entirely.

It was super-cool being able to watch the pros like Andy Potts come out of the water as we were walking toward the starting line, I'll say that much!

Then it was reality time for us average age-groupers and the music was playing real loud and I was dancing in our corral to "Summertime" by Will Smith ("Summa summa summa-TIME!")

And I got my groove on because before the horn blows is so nerve wracking! It's the worst part of the whole day! I can't STAND THE ANTICIPATION!

But then the horn blew and I was off before I knew it and I felt good and strong! Any time I have a swim where fear and stopping is absent, the swim is a success! I'll work on speed later, but as long as there is no fear and panic, I'm good!

But because they moved the swim, there was a considerable run to transition, which felt like it took forever. Up the beach, down a really long sidewalk forever and ever, around transition and finally through transition to my bike.

I got through transition (totally forgot my sunglasses - more awesome!) hopped on my bike and took off.

The bike was super windy. Super super windy. I still did pretty good, maybe a minute off from last year's time and last year's bike was not nearly as windy.

I was doing pretty good on time in general thus far and was hoping to have a pretty good run, in fact my runs have been so good lately, I have been hitting the 9 minute mark and even some 8:45's!!! I mean I've been seriously having breakthroughs in my pacing!

Here, though, at worst I was hoping to hit the mile marks at the 10 minute mark especially with how hard I worked on the bike through the wind, but I was really hoping for somewhere in the 9's, I was feeling that good. And it started out that way, too, I was hitting 9:15 for the first two miles (I had two watches on, one that was running the whole time and I threw my gps watch on for the run part so I could monitor the runtime.)

But around mile 2 is where the run sort of unraveled.

I haven't written about this yet but last week I had a CT scan on a lumpy thing in my stomach that we think is a hernia. (So no worries! Just a hernia! Hopefully! Fingers crossed, anyway!)

But this thing is seriously cramping my style!

It hurts when I run, it hurts when I eat, it has really just started to feel really bad and wrong over the last week and a half so I had gone to the doctor who ordered me a CT scan of it and I find out more about what it is tomorrow when I get the results back.

But anyway, it really started to bother me during the run. My whole midsection was yucked up, I had to undo my borrowed bra and run with it unstrapped because the wire was pushing down on my stomach and the ball-lump-thingy in my stomach was bulgy, I was nauseous, it was painful and I had to slow down and walk for a bit.

And ya know those voices I usually get when I push myself? Or the songs I sing in my head to light my fire inside?

Gone. All of them gone.

It was really weird.
It was like they checked out or something.

I don't understand why no matter how hard I fought to bring in the voices or to move my body to a song in my head, it was like the record would skip or I was knocking and no one was home. Usually they just invade my head, I don't even have to ask, but in this case I was digging and digging and coming up with nothin.

My body wasn't working right and there were no voices to tell me to push it. That was all sort of just weird.

I started to get emotional and feel defeated in the last mile of the run and then a giant monarch butterfly floated right in front of me and I know that was my grandmother telling me it was ok, something's just not right and the finish is around the corner and to just be at peace.

So I did the best I could and run-walked through the run toward the end and was just sort of numb at the finish.

And I walked around and waited for my husband to cross the finish and I couldn't really breathe, so I had to get into transition with a sheriff's deputy to get my emergency inhaler and my stomach was in so much pain.

But ya know what? I am not sad. Something weird is going on, but either way, I finished.

One day I'll have a race where it'll be not just about "finishing."

I am still waiting for that day.

But for now, I have lots of new stuff to add to the triathlon list. Like "sportsbra," because apparently now I have terrible mombrain and can't even remember the basics. Along with "extra computer batteries," and "get a new bike bag with working zipper stat."

The biggest thing I have to remember though is to not take myself so damn seriously. I mean, right? Why should I beat myself up?

When we were kids we swam, biked and ran all over the damn place and now here is a place where us adults get to do the same thing! This is supposed to be fun!

Also, I think that races are all about moving forward. As long as I'm moving forward and not backward, I am doing it right. OK well maybe that's a little extreme and non-goal oriented-sounding, but my point is that I'm not going to be hard on myself about it. In my head, I've got to get back to where this was just fun and exhilerating.

So I'm just going to get out there, keep training and racing and let the stories like me as the triathlete bra-less wonder unravel themselves for a good meaty, scandalous race report afterward.

The end.

Mantra Monday: Slow Down, Breathe, KICK ASS

It's so hard to write a Mantra Monday post today about the week ahead when we had such an amazing weekend and there's so much fun weekend stuff to post about! Like the last game of tee-ball and the mad science party (rocket launch, mentos and coke, adventures in dry ice! so.much.fun.)

And then it was Easter and not to mention THE TOOTH FAIRY CAME on Easter too, which was completely unexpected!

How bout that tank top?

And also I found out what happens to a phone when a mom carries way too much stuff and is in a hurry and then the phone falls face down on the cement.

And now that the last week is over, my brain is now going a million miles a minute with the March of Dimes walk coming up on Saturday and it's time to switch gears because the ST. ANTHONY'S TRIATHLON IS ON SUNDAY!

I can't believe it's been a year since that race!

I just re-read that race report from my old blog and forgot how much it took to do that race, how much digging I had to do to cross that finish line.

So here I am, sitting, with my mind going a million miles an hour and getting a little freaked out and overwhelmed at what is about to transpire on Sunday.

The race on Sunday will not be wetsuit legal, the water is already 80 degrees and it needs to be 78 or below to be wetsuit legal. And the wetsuit, well, it actually saved my life last year. The water was so rough they had to eventually shorten the swim and the wetsuit helped me stay afloat. So I think I am getting nervous about not using a wetsuit.

However.

I did swim a mile in the ocean without a wetsuit last week and did just fine. But my fingers are still numb with nervousness as I type this.

Therefore the mantras have to be three-fold this week.

1. SLOW DOWN!
Because first and foremost, before anything I have to (calm) and slow down.

S-LOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW DOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWN.

Make lists.

Do one thing at.a.time. Slowwwwwwwwwwwly.

Ever hear in swimming that sometimes you have to slow down to speed up? It's so that you can slow down, get in synch again and get your breathing under control and then you can go faster. I have to do that. I have to slow down so I can get myself under control here.

2. Breathe.

And then when I succeed at slowing myself down, I have to breathe deep breaths. Big ol' slow deep breaths. And not be scerred. Cause I did this before right? I know way better now what to expect! (Let's not think about the fact that knowing what to expect can actually make you scared-er. Since you're no longer ignorant to what can happen. So strike that from the record. Not even thinking about that.) The fact is, I can do this. I hope I am in the same shape I was last year though. Am I? I am going to have to assume that I am since there's not much I can do about it now! And while I'm at it, self-doubt, be gone! There is no place for you here!

3. GEAR UP FOR ASS KICKING.

Finally, after all is said and done, I have to prep my mind for the ASS KICKING I'm going to do on Sunday! In a mid-packery type of ass-kicking way of course. Because I have to go HARD OR GO HOME! This is a race against myself, my brain and all my inner voices. Sure, it's a competition against other people, but really, it's just a competition with myself.

And in the end I have to remember to enjoy each moment as I go through them this week, this weekend at the walk, at packet pickup and the practice swim, and the night before the race.

Because like the little sticker that's sitting on my corkboard in front of me at my desk says, it's the little moments that make life big.

And I don't want to miss those.

Mantra Monday: (Insert Motivating Word Here)

Well it's time for a Mantra Monday and time to bring on the week ahead.

Only I'm feeling less, "Bring it on!" than "Eh, ok, let's bring it on... shall we?" in more of a "let's get this thing over with" sorta way.

Not very aggressive.

It seems like I have several great weeks in a row and then I have a frustrating one. But that's normal right?

I guess I'm just disappointed.

I thought I was going really fast in the race, I thought I was kicking some butt, and then when I crossed the finish line and got my time, turns out I didn't. Um, not at all in fact.

Wah wahhhh (that's my Debbie Downer sound.)

Yeah, I'm whining a little bit about it. Because I thought I came so far! I thought I was swimming like a shark!

Sigh.

So this is the week where I regroup.

Maybe that's the word I need this week: "regroup."

Ya know how you do a lot of stuff and you're doing really well and making breakthroughs and then all of a sudden you go through a test and you find out you're not as awesome as you think you are and then you feel frustrated and instead of working on the stuff you know you need to work on you feel like giving up and saying, "Well then what the heck am I doing this for anyway?"

?

Yeah, it's taking me all I have to not do that.

Because I want to.

I feel like I face this feeling every other month.

I mean, why is this so important anyway?

I was talking to a friend yesterday and we were talking about the things we see during training.

The beautiful sunrises, the dolphins in the water along the causeway, the feeling of the wind on your face and the water on your skin. The adrenaline, the endorphines, the feeling of life pumping through your veins.

It's really not about the race and the numbers in the end.

The reason I do it is because of the way it makes me feel when I'm doing it. What I see when I'm doing it. The way it makes me feel like I'm living and not letting life just pass me by. The rush and the push and answer to my question, "Can I do this?"

I get caught up in "doing it well" as opposed to "doing it" and sometimes just "doing it" isn't enough, I want more. Like everyone, eventually "good" is not "good enough." But whose definition of "good enough" am I using? The numbers on the board when I check my times and compare myself to everyone else? Or my own definition?

Because I had victories in that race even though the numbers might not say so.

The numbers don't tell the story of the race like I felt it.

So now, simply, it's just time to regroup.

Then dig in and push a little more.

But most of all, remember when I'm doing it, why I'm doing.

Because it's simply not just about the numbers.
* * *
What's YOUR mantra this week?

Leave it in the comments or blog about it and link up here!

Ps. Have you seen my Sigg Water Bottle giveaway? Going on right now, go to there!

Mantra Monday: Believe

Do you ever have a post in your head, words to write, but you can't get them out? They're swirling around in there in no certain order?

I'm hoping I can make a post out of this.

We'll see when I get to the end.

Look at our awesome tri group up there, those are the Tri Warriors.

They push me to train hard. They push me to keep up. They push me to believe.

In the last chapter of my latest freakout on myself (There is no Spoon), I had gotten to the point where I was tired of saying "I can't" and making excuses for myself. I was tired of holding myself back. I was tired of not believing in myself.

So, during the week I put my Mantra to work. "There is no spoon."

Whenever my mind would wander to "I can't do that..." or some other variation of such sentence, I'd finish it with, "Well why the hell not?" Those boundaries I had in my mind (certain predetermined miles per hour for running or biking or times or lengths for swimming which were "safe boundaries" for me), I erased them. I wiped the slate clean.

Yes, over the past couple years I've certainly come far and certainly pushed my boundaries (going from couch to whatever..) and I see that. I'm thrilled to be doing what I'm doing and breaking through the previous limitations I had set for myself.

But no matter how far I get, I notice that I never fail to make an endless list of excuses for myself. For why I don't think I'm good enough or for why I can't keep up. Back when I was told I was crazy for setting my sights on a triathlon, I did it anyway. But now that I'm doing them I want to do them well and no one is telling me that I can't do them well. EXCEPT FOR ME. Plenty of people can say something to you about what you're able to do and make limitations for you but YOU are the only real person who has control over whether or not you listen and whether or not you follow it and it's YOUR VOICE that speaks the loudest.

And what is that voice saying?

"I'm not built for running... short legs... my torso isn't big enough, something to do with the breathing and lung capacity, not a swimmer, I can't do that blah blah blah blah blah."

Honestly, the chatter in my head is exhausting and really quite ridiculous, really.

Last week I told myself to just shut my hole already.

I can't take it anymore my head hurts I'm sick of hearing the excuses I'm sick of talking bad about myself I'm sick of talking bad about myself to others I don't deserve that no one deserves that the chatter is too loud and frankly it's just exhausting to hear it over and over again!

So after the "There's no Spoon" post, I settled on one word.

Believe.

Amazing things happen when you believe.

Amazing things happen when you believe there are no boundaries.

So here are some things that I couldn't believe but after a week of no boundaries, I do. And you can picture a "sassy" me doing my best Martin Lawrence impression at the end of the sentence when saying, "Buh-LEE DAT!" (or "believe that!" in 'non sass') And maybe some snaps in a Z formation too..

I can't believe I was going 23 miles an hour, for a while, and I wasn't going downhill! Buh-LEE DAT! (snaps here.)

I can't believe I swam, stopping only while my goggles filled up with water, in water over my head, for a while, without freaking out about the fishes or breathing or anything! Buh-LEEEEEEE DAT!

Also I can't believe I did it confidently strong and somewhat fast! Buh-LEEEE DAT!

I can't believe I can feel stronger when running from my core and that all those minutes (hours?) of plank and pushups are paying off! Well Buh-LEEE DAT!

I can't believe that fear is dissolving and excitement and adrenaline is replacing it! That the child-like fearlessness is renewing itself! Buh-LEEEEEE DAT!

I can't believe that I'm starting to see lines where abs should be! Buh-LEEE DAT!

Honestly, it's scary to believe that you can do anything. Anything is a much larger vastness than a safe predetermined boundary.

When you look off into the distance toward anything, it's daunting! What will you come up against, what's out there trying to thwart you, and then, what happens after anything? More of anything?

Everything takes practice, perhaps believing in yourself takes practice too.

I also think it takes getting mad at yourself first. And me and myself had it out last week.

I'm glad we did, too, or I'd still be shuffling along wasting time and making excuses.

At the very least, anything you do should begin with believing in yourself.

I think I'm up for it now.

* * *
What's your mantra this week? Join me on Mondays when I try to start the week off right (or make sense of the complicated!)

Leave your mantra in the comments or post about it and leave the link in the comments below!

Mantra Monday: "There is no spoon."

Remember how Neo kept trying to bend the spoon with his mind and it wouldn't budge?

After being a part of the Matrix for so long, his mind couldn't even fathom the idea that he could bend a spoon, but here was a wise little boy who could.  (Edited to note: After reading the comments, I can't believe how many people have not seen the MATRIX!!! Please go see it! I mean, I added the clip of the movie I'm talking about, it's pretty cool! Watch it, it's only a minute! Ps. sorry about the subtitles, it's the only one I found I could embed.) Anyway.

We had a great speaker for our Tri Warrior meeting at our local bike shop, Chainwheel Drive, last week.

This is Bruce. He's pretty badass. Also he's wearing one of my Bondi Bands.

He's been doing triathlons for five seasons and he places in his age group. He's got an all-business attitude about doing these things and although he soaks in every piece of information he can about triathlon, in the end he refuses to overthink things and he keeps things simple.

Just a guy on a bike. And maybe some water. Maybe.

I don't want to spoil the whole speech he gave because I'm writing it up for our Tri Warrior newsletter and I don't want the warriors who read my blog to have the spoiler here.

But I will say he inspired me.

Especially when it comes to training hard as opposed to "just training."

For me, the first season of triathlon was just about doing it. I just wanted to believe that I could.

The second season was just about doing it, but a little better. I just wanted to believe I could go a little faster, now that I knew the process a little better. I could and I did.

But now I want to do it as hard as I can. I want to break all those preconceived beliefs I have about myself. And I have quite a few. My mind whispers them in my ear all the time.

Here are my myths about myself that have seeped into my consciousness as fact:

• I can't run faster than a 10 minute mile and if I do, it's only because I'm having an off day.
• I can't run faster than a 10 minute mile for long distances, consistently, or after a bike
• I am not a good swimmer
• I can't go faster than 18 mph on the bike

When you have beliefs about what you can't do, it gives you an excuse not to pursue better.

You have built yourself a nice big a safety net so that when you don't run or ride or swim well, you already "knew" you couldn't do it anyway. So you don't let yourself down. You give yourself conservative goals based on the minimum you know you "can" do. Any more than that is what "other" people can do. But not you.

Sure you can do all these things enough to cross a finish line, but you're not fast or good at any of them. And then you allow it to frustrate you and simmer within you until one day you ask yourself: WELL WHY THE F*#CK NOT?!

Please excuse the strong language (we're all adults here, right?) but when you beat up on yourself for long enough, the tendency is to eventually explode.

And that's why he inspired me. It sort of made my insides explode.

He inspired me to ask myself, "Why the F*#ck not?!"

He never said those things but when you see evidence standing right in front of you of what happens when you push yourself to the brink, it allows you to reflect on your own training and ask yourself if you gave it everything.

Did I? More importantly, do I?

Here were his biggest points:

• Don't shock your body on race day by letting race day be the first time you push it until it hurts. Push it like it's race day during training. Then you'll be able to give more on race day.
• Which means when you train, you should be "somewhere between pain and injury." I.E. If it doesn't hurt, you're not doing it right.

There was a group laugh when he said "between pain and injury" but it makes sense, really. Obviously you don't want to get to where you injure yourself; you have to listen to your body and back off when it's too much. But don't back off just because it hurts. Cause really it's supposed to. Because that's when the change happens.

And if you push it hard during training (remember, past the pain but before the injury), then there's a good chance you'll be used to pushing hard, so you won't completely die on race day. We've all felt like dying on race day, haven't we? I rarely feel like dying after my training sessions.

After pushing it recently, where there is actual pain during training, I'm finding myself running faster, for longer, riding faster for longer, swimming more confidently. I really, really, really want to believe that those times are not set in stone just for me, Christie.

That I was not born with a 10 minute mile stamp on my forehead.

I don't even know where I came up with these numbers and why the dial stopped there.

(Is it because going faster than that hurts?)

Probably.

But it's supposed to. Remember?

At the very least, I want to believe that there is no number for me.

The only way to bend the spoon is not to concentrate and push your mind to do it, but to finally come to the realization already that, HELLO!

"THERE IS NO SPOON."

* * *

Oh yeah, by the way, Bruce from Chainwheel Drive is wearing my Bondi Bond up there because he's supporting my Bondis for Babies campaign! I need to break $1,000 for the March of Dimes, won't you help me???!!! Click here to see what I got!

Mantra Monday: I Am Me.

For a while there I got pretty down on myself.

I compared myself to other people.

When other people would reach milestones, I'd think, "Why isn't that me?"

Why am I not faster?

Why am I so slow?

How can other people just begin running for the first time ever in their lives and come out running 8 minute miles? Why is it taking me so long to get faster? Maybe I'm not cut out for this. I should just be one with it that I'm not that fast. And probably never will be.

The self-doubt seeps into my consciousness so easily.

I'd run in a group and be the last one in. Even though it was actually a faster run for me than usual.

Instead of being proud of myself, I'd be frustrated where I came in with regard to the rest of the group.

And a little embarrassed, frankly.

And maybe even just want to throw in the towel halfway through the run as the distance grew longer between me and the rest of the runners.

Over the weekend I read Katy Widrick's post and this post by Sarah at Domestically Challenged and both of them inspired me. In fact, when I read this line in particular by Katy, it struck a particularly vulnerable chord with me at a particularly sensitive time:

I will not:
Be angry with myself that I can’t run faster, further, better, stronger…

I will:
Be thankful that I have been injury-free this season, have friends and family that will cheer me on regardless of time or distance, and appreciate the unparalleled feeling of pushing my body to its limits.

I realized (again) that comparing myself to other people is never ever the answer.

I remembered (again) that there will always be someone faster and stronger than me. And that should never come as a surprise, actually, because there will only ever be ONE "best in the world" in anything and even that is fleeting until the next person comes along.

As Sarah asks in her post, where is my self-compassion?

How do I come this far in my own life and forget the very point from which I started? Nearly 60 pounds overweight, a size 16-18, unable to run 30 seconds much less a mile, never having been on a bike, never having swum, never having raced.

How is it that I can forget all that when someone passes me on a run?

How is thinking this way being fair to myself?

When will I ever be happy and what will be the one thing that finally validates me?

Because I always feel like I'm chasing.

Chasing happiness, chasing validation, chasing other people.

Chasing chasing chasing.

And just getting winded and frustrated doing it.

But the truth is, I am me.

I need look no further for validation and happiness than myself. Which means in theory, I can stop chasing. (And stop getting winded.)

Because I run how I run and I try to run hard but it is what it is but the point is that I even run at all.

And I'm not saying that just being out there is "good enough" because "good enough" is never "good enough" for me and never has been. But that's who I am too.

That's what makes me want to be faster. That's what drives me. There is only one "good enough" and that is the kind where I tried my ass off and gave it everything I had.

However slow I run, I run with drive, with passion and with fire.

It may look like walking but it feels like running to me and it's longer and faster than *I* personally, have ever run. Ever.

It is my run.

It is my ride.

It is my swim.

My life.

My body.

The point is that to get better, faster and stronger in anything, I have to start embracing ME. Who I am. Not who all those other runners are and what brought them to that place. Or even women for that matter.

But who I am and what brought ME to that place.

I have to stop chasing other people's anything and sit back and be comfortable with my own everything. Stretch my own limits.

Own my own strength. My own fire. My own run with its breathing, its legs, its music, its dance.

Stop analyzing what I'm doing wrong and celebrate what I'm doing right.

Because I am me.

It is soooo time to stop comparing myself to other people. I am long overdue for some self-respect. For some mad props, yo.

Nope. I don't have her metabolism (good or bad), her speed (fast or slow), her body-type-hair-color-happiness-unhappiness-house-family-drive-legs-lungs-whatever.

I have my own.

It is what makes me me and in a sea of race numbers, that is everything.

When I'm crossing a finish line in anything I do, there is only one "me" in the picture and it doesn't matter who I passed and who I didn't. The picture doesn't show that part.

It just shows whether or not my arms are way up in the air in victory when I do it.

Do or Do Not, It's Really That Simple

I love quoting tiny green men with pointy ears don't you?

"Do or do not. There is no 'try,'" -Yoda

I got a new phone this week, a fancy touch screen 4G one (I don't know what 4G means but I hear it's all the rage) and it is quite hard to get the letters right when you type and it always autocorrects which is a good thing and a bad thing because lots of times it gets my mistakes right but on the other hand sometimes it makes me Tweet or Facebook or text the totally wrong thing, I mean wayyy off.

But it's so much better than my Blackberry with the roller ball that always got stuck and the internet that was mostly nonexistent.

Anyway, none of this is the point, the point is my new fabulous phone (with a pink case) has an app for ringers and wallpapers. And wallpapers with quotes.

And so I made my wallpaper Yoda, with his quote.

It moved me when I needed to be moved, quite literally in fact, I needed some motivation and I needed to light a fire under me.

The part I keep saying in my head, over and over, the part that moves me most, is Do or do not.

Do.

Or do not.

There is a similar saying that ends with something like, "or get off the pot."

You may know that one too.

I think the Yoda one is a little more eloquent. But either way, there is no middle ground in this particular quote and that is why I like it. It's like Mr. Miyagi when he said, "You walk right side, yes. You walk left side, yes. You walk middle (squish), get squish like grape." Or something like that.

It's either do or do not. And it really is that plain and simple.

It's amazing how saying, "I do," in my mind makes me actually do. And actually makes "do not" not even an option. I can't actually bring myself to say, "I do not." And that's the magical part.

Doing also makes things like "fear" not even an option. Because it's either do or do not. There's  no room for something like fear because it makes no sense if you're going to do it. You just have to do it.

You either try and give it your all or you do not.

In training for this triathlon in May and the subsequent ones this season, there are specific goals that must be met. Calorie counting and healthy food eating (the hardest part for me), actual training (second hardest what with the motivation and all), and working hard with purpose during the actual training (third hardest because I am still putting my plan together and also this is where things like "believing in myself" get in the way).

But each one of these things is part of the puzzle that is the bigger picture of training as a whole. Not doing one or any of these things just simply means, I do not.

But I do.

And thinking "I do" helps me wipe my mind blank and answer myself with a simple answer which in turn makes me happily lace up, put down the Girl Scout cookie or swim my little heart out.

Ya know what I mean?

There is no "try" about it, it's either do, or get off the pot.



What's your mantra this week??

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." - Bill Cosby

I never thought Bill Cosby would give me motivation in my triathlon life.

Parenthood, maybe. JELL-O, for sure. But not working out.

We're into another tri season (well not yet, but in about a second we will be) but it feels like I reset the clock every year when it comes time to go open water swimming every year. It really pisses me off honestly.

I am sure it will be fine when I get out there but for now I'm angsty. The skeevy feeling I get about swimming in it (specifically the murky causeway) , it's like I have to take at least 2 or 3 swims to get it all out of my system and then I'm ok.

But honestly I am so sick of fear controlling my life in anything.

This quote by Bill Cosby reminds me how stupid fear is. How feeding it is like paying an exhorbitant amount of attention to a tantrumy child and in this scenario, fear is like a tantrumy child.

What do I do when I am around my tantrumy child?

I walk away.

I leave him in his room until he hashes it all out on his own.

I remove him from any situation and I don't pay any more attention to him until he's done. Because if I do, he'll just do it again and again and again. But when I don't give in, the tantrums stop.

Fear is like a tantrumy child. Eventually he'll get to the point where he knows it won't work.

So in the meantime, I'm not stressing out over it and giving it any power.

This is me putting "fear" in a time out.

In fact, how bout this? This is the first and last post about fear for the year! Ima refuse to write about it until it goes away and I can laugh about what a show it tried to put on.

Next Monday I'll likely have pictures of my first open water swim of the year (in wetsuit). And I'll talk about how great it went.

Because I want it more than I'm afraid of it.

The end.

Mantra Monday: Sustain....Sort of like George Costanza on the Freeway

"Sustain" is a really weird word to have as a mantra, but when you say it with the rhythm of your feet it makes you really not want to slow down. It's sort of like "quick feet" in that way.

I re-realized something over the weekend while doing a tempo run down Bayshore Boulevard.

To make a change, it requires you to be consistent and consistently working at it, which means you have to be consistent also to get better at it. Which is a very basic principle I know but one that is very easy to forget.

But it's not enough to be consistent. You have to look at all the behaviors surrounding the consistency that allow you to actually *be* consistent. All the things that *support* your consistency.

For instance, if you're doing a tempo run to eventually become faster you have to "sustain" that pace for a long period of time. But you have to consistently work to change that tempo run to longer or faster or both in order to actually be consistent in changing. And then you have to be consistent about just getting out there in the first place. Which means sustaining the motivation, the willpower *and* the pace.

The same holds true for other areas of life: nutrition, motivation, willpower.

I ran and as my feet hit the pavement all I could think of was sustaining that pace; the whole purpose of the run. And as I was repeating the word, "sustain" -- each syllable when a foot struck the ground -- this was my realization: that in order to make changes elsewhere in my life I too must "sustain."

Sustain motivation.

Sustain willpower. 

Sustain control over food (i.e. not eating my face off because it controlled me.)

(By the way, the more times I write "sustain" the funnier it looks and makes me want to spellcheck even though I know it's right.)

Sustain speed.

Just sustain.

Don't slow down. Don't speed up (well maybe sometimes speed up.)

But in the end, just go.

And find it in me somehow to sustain the ability to just go.

When I put it that way, it gives me focus. It allows me to go a cool 55 miles per hour in my life and in my eating and my willpower and motivation, without slowing down. Because eating a Twinkie (or 10 of them) would be making a pitstop, which would mean slowing down. And I'd rather be like George Costanza on the freeway, making "good time."

I applied my "sustain" principle over the weekend and stayed the course. It was not that hard. I didn't eat my face off and I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

I've meal-planned for the week ahead (my meals are here) and I've worked in one day for treats and it makes me feel much more in control to give myself that day. I've got all my workouts planned for the week ahead too.

Because this thing is week by week, day by day, even moment by moment.

But as long as I sustain my momentum,  my willpower, my strength, my motivation, I'm good.
* * *

What's your mantra this week?

Mantra Monday: No Regrets Part II

I think I'm going to have to stick with the "No Regrets" mantra this week and for the foreseeable future, especially after the unfortunate cheesecake incident of 2011 that I posted about at Shrinking Jeans last week on weigh in day in which I expressed the need for an electronic shock bracelet.

(In case you missed it, there was me, with my face in the fridge, literally spooning heaping spoonfuls of cheesecake into my piehole like an addict or something during the kids' naptime. The cheesecake went directly into the garbage afterward but not before some serious damage was done.)

In sum, there was regret.

And I'd like to have no regrets.

Because remember, I just wrote about having no regrets.

So I'm trying again.

Or still trying, rather. 

Because this:

equals this:

(I used this guy in a post last week and I don't know what it is about him but he makes me feel like yelling "Touchdown!" and doing a touchdown dance in the endzone with high knees on my tippy toes sort of like Rod in Jerry McGuire).

That's what I want to feel like every day. Every day is a choice so today I will choose and tomorrow I will choose again and then I will rinse and repeat daily.

And on a completely unrelated sidenote, there was a lot going on in last night's Grammy Awards, like for instance, a giant chicken with a breastplate, a LOT of leopard print, some nips, and a lady being birthed from an egg that sounded a whole lot like Madonna by the way.

Did you like it? I wish I got to see more awards being given out but the shows were pretty good. And back to the topic, what's your mantra this week?

OH and HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!

Discuss.

Mantra Monday: No Regret

My husband told me a little story yesterday when I was having trouble motivating myself for a run.
He said,

"Picture this: You're in your wetsuit. You're standing at the edge of the water waiting for the horn to blow at St. Anthony's.

Do you wish you would have run today?"

Immediately my answer was, "Yes."

It doesn't have to be St. Anthony's. It doesn't have to be a triathlon. It can be any race whatsoever. All I know is that standing at the starting line looking back, will I wish I'd have gotten in every run I could to get me to that point?

Yes.

And right now that's enough to get me out the door. No, to LIGHT A FIRE under me to get out the door.

On race day, I want to look back and not want to "wish" anything. I want to know I've done all I could have possibly done at every opportunity I had to do it.

No regret.

Mantra Monday: Discipline

Yesterday I couponed again like a mad housewife.

Today I discarded the fact that I am not a morning person and worked out at 5 a.m. anyway. Usually by the time I get there, I am awake but I am definitely awake when our trainer starts kicking our asses which is within the first 30 seconds of arrival. My pits no longer hurt but my crotch does from riding 30 miles yesterday which I haven't done since November (you're welcome.)

After our workout for an hour, I was showered by 7. (Edited to update: that was the goal. It's good to have a goal. That's the problem with posting ahead!)

I love being showered by 7, it makes the whole morning go so much more smoothly than mommy running around like a madperson with crazyhair trying to get out the door.

I dropped the kids off at 9.
On paper, I am in control.

Actually, on computer I am in control.

On paper, as in, "food journal" I am in control until the weekend o'birthday parties hit and things go astray. I would be just fine with eating if only I were a recluse and spent all my time behind closed doors within 20 feet of my OWN PANTRY! I apparently need to work on being out in society. Because out in society everything looks good.
It is a lot of work to stay in control of my health!  Dammit.

Anyway, randomly noting that this week is my anniversary and my husband (shockingly) said to me a couple of weeks ago, "I want to take you dancing! How bout we go out to dinner and dancing for our anniversary?"

(Can you hear the squeeing from there?)

A man totally after my heart.

I don't know about you but my life has become such that a night out of dancing barely makes it into the quarterly rotation in a year but not much can bring me more excitement and glee than the prospect of dressing up and shimmying and grooving with my eyes closed on a crowded dance floor with a cocktail in my hand.

I usually look like some new-age raver doing circles with my arms wide open like you do in the song Dancing Queen when I dance but that's because the music moves me. And I'm over 30 now so I don't even care what I look like, it's not like I'm out nookin pa nuv (lookin for love).

I swoon at the thought of a night out dancing.

What does this have to do with discipline, I don't know. Probably something again about being among society and being able to stop after one cocktail while dancing and eating a "sensible" anniversary celebration meal.

Six years ago, pre-marriage, I'm not sure the word "discipline" was even a thought in my head. I didn't have it, I didn't want it, I didn't think of it. I had a planner I didn't use, was usually pretty fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants with credit that's seen better days because I thought "Money? I can't take it with me! So whatever!" and I was 20 pounds overweight and could barely run a mile if I wanted to. (The 20 pounds overweight was before the 30-something more that I packed on after the babies.)

Anyway, now I revel in structure and need it.

I wrote a post about my fitness goals and my eating goals and what I am doing right now and I might repost it here but here is the link if you are so inclined. All I know is that in order for me to reach those goals, I must maintain some level of discipline, i.e. mealplanning, making my workouts and finding balance in between.

Is it possible?

To find balance, I mean?
More importantly, is it possible to maintain a level of discipline without being obsessed?

I'll let you know but based on my trip to Outback for date night Friday and the hour I took looking up the calories of the different steaks on Livestrong.com before I eventually ordered, it's not looking good.

Discipline, young grasshopper, discipline.
* * *
So what's your mantra this week?

Road to Disney: What do you want from me?! (A Psychotic Exchange.)

Sometimes when the sun is shining down and the wind is blowing on me softly while I run, I close my eyes and I bring my arms down to my sides and open up my hands and face them palms up and just let my legs move and it feels like I'm embracing the run.

Like I can feel the breath of the world touching my skin and it feels like cotton.

I am not moving fast. But my legs are moving and I am breathing and the run becomes me.

It makes me feel alive.

And sometimes I listen to the music that I've brought and it's a song about a relationship and the singer is singing to someone else but so often I feel like the words apply to a person who's talking to themself and it makes me talk to myself because let's face it, we all are having relationships with ourselves anyway and normally it's our head versus our bodies.

We are one being, of course, but so often I think there is actually two of us in here and one of us is deciding "yes" and the other is deciding "no" and one of them is my head and the other one is my body and very often one has to physically force the other one into submission in order to get anything done and it could be either one of them that's ready to give in at any given moment.

And so because I find so much inspiration in meaning in songs and I normally find it in the oddest of places, I found myself talking to myself on yesterday's run and this time it was through Adam Lambert who wears more eyeliner than I do but it seems to work for him and it was through his song "What do you want from me?!" song, where the words are following and I'm sure he's talking to someone else but in this scenario I am not:

"Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me"

Which would mean to me, right around mile 4 where I have 4 more to run and I have already biked for more than an hour, right around the time my legs start becoming concrete stumps that my head now needs convincing that it's not ok to make this run shorter like it very much believes that it should, but instead I just need to catch my breath, not give in and keep going.

And then that thing in my head starts yelling "Whataya want from me!" and my body starts yelling back at it because now they're fighting, "To keep going dammit!"

And then it yells some more. "You wanna know what I want? I want you to finish this! I want you to shut your piehole and run! I want you to believe in yourself! I want you to get to the starting line! And then after that, I want you to get to the finish line! I want you to enjoy the sun and the wind and the beauty of this causeway with the water on both sides of you and I want you to enjoy this PROCESS because you have come so far! YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO A HALF-IRON! THAT'S what I want from you."


And then the voice calms down and I hear them talk back and forth.

"Just don’t give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down"

And then the very next song comes on and there are no words in that song (thankfully) so the voices in my head can stop yelling at each other and they cooperate to finish out the run and both of them look at each other and say, "There! Now was that so bad?"

Yesterday was the last day to drop down from half-Iron to Olympic.

But I didn't.

Less than two weeks to go.

Full steam ahead. And then there will be Disney.

And if you ever wonder what someone's thinking when you pass them while they're running, refer to the previous psychotic exchange.

There might be nothing much to see on the outside. But there is a lot going on up there.

Trust me.

* * *

Three giveaways ending tomorrow. THREE! Here's the list, go get em!

First Road to Disney Report: A Mantra Monday Package Deal

Before I start today, I just want to say thank you to everyone who left a kind word on my blog about my little kitty cat who passed away a couple days ago.

I took it pretty hard (actually, I am taking it pretty hard) and all your comments have been like a hug to me, literally, so thank you. I may or may not have responded, but please know I am reading.

This week, I begin officially blogging about my impending trip to Walt Disney World in January 2011 to run my first marathon in my ROAD TO DISNEY! I started training over the summer, but I'm just now getting into the nitty gritty where I'm trying out nutrition, what works, what doesn't, and all those things and things are getting really hard.

The "pitstop Miami" is the half-iron distance triathlon in about 3 weeks that I am also doing, Miami-Man, which will be a 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, and a half-marathon (13.1 miles.)

Where I am

Last week was the longest brick I've ever done, somewhere around 40 mile bike ride (2 1/2 hours) followed by a 9 mile run. So, I'm almost there. I was in rough shape afterward, but I did it.

For the marathon training, I am up to 16 miles running. I should be up to 20 but I am a week or two behind in  my training schedule, and now I am in a taper for the half-iron, so I'll be back up to the long runs right after the Miami half. I got behind because, well, I just plain ran out of time. With only a couple days in a week in which I can actually find someone to watch the kids for 4 hours consecutively while I train, it doesn't always happen as I plan it. But I'm close.

A lot of people ask me how I have time to train and truthfully the answer is, I don't. I truly don't. I am literally picking pulling squeezing in time where I can and it has to be the perfect storm where someone in my life (usually my husband) can spare an entire morning or afternoon while I get in these long training sessions, otherwise, well, I get behind. Like I am. But I'll get there nonetheless.

This weekend I had a sprint tri, the last of the season and I learned and relearned an age-old lesson: NEVER TRY ANYTHING NEW ON RACE DAY.

Like, say, wearing my wetsuit for the first time since April not having worn it all summer. I was like a cat in a sweater. It was awkward, I couldn't breathe, and I became an Olympic backstroker. I backstroked the ENTIRE WAY. Yup.

I still beat last year's time by a good 10 minutes, so that's something. But it wasn't the last sprint tri of the season finale send-off I wanted. I will, however, end the season on a half-iron distance and in that one, I'm just determined to finish strong. I have no time in mind.

After Saturday's tri, I ran 10 miles on Sunday and it felt great. It wasn't the 20 miles I was supposed to run, but I ran out of window. I did, however, find a new appreciation for getting up at 4 a.m. to be out running by 5 with my running partner.

I've never been a "get up in the dark" person. I used to have to do it to be at work at 4 a.m. all the time but I hated it so much and envied all the people who were still in their beds sleeping away soundly and happily. Something changed after kids (along with everything) and now the idea of getting a long run in before the kids even wake up is so much more appealing than missing an entire Saturday or Sunday morning with them because I was off on a long run and I'm getting home around lunchtime and wasting the whole day. Well, not wasting, but you know what I mean.

I think it's called "balance." And ironically, a 4 a.m. wake-up call helps me have it.



Which is also my mantra for the week. "Balance."

After a couple of weeks of just crazyness where everything is seemingly coming to a head at once, I need to find balance in it all so that I'm not neglecting any one thing and I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket either. It has not been easy and I've just been frazzled now, for weeks.

I must find balance. I must restore balance. And take it with me throughout the week and into the weekend's long training.

What's your mantra for the week? And if you're training for Disney 2011, let me know! If you're sharing your training reports on Mondays, link up in the comments and we can share!

Mantra Monday: It's About the Numbers. It's About the Numbers.

Calories burned yesterday: 1730.
Miles biked yesterday: somewhere between 30 and 50 depending on which Garmin you used. So I'll split the difference and call it 40.
Miles ran yesterday: 9.
Water bottles drank: 4
Electrolyte bottles drank: 2
GU's eaten: 5
Time all of this took: 4 1/2 hours.
Times I puked afterward: 3
Puking afterward: priceless. (Sorry. I had to throw that in there.)
Days left until Miami-Man 1/2 Iron race: 28. Less than a month. Holy crap.

Well, there are moments I'm proud of in this even though it was not fast, nor was it pretty.

I'm proud that I burned 1730 calories yesterday and actually cannot comprehend burning this number of calories.

I'm proud that I exercised for 4 1/2 hours and promptly broke in my newly remodeled-bathroom toilet by hugging it. For a while. (You're welcome. I mean, if we're being honest here. Which we are.) Well maybe I'm not proud of that, but it is an elite club (have you ever stood at a finish line and watched people join the puke club after they've finished?)

And again, this wasn't fast.

I will continue to remind myself that this is all about numbers and not being an elite athlete.

It's just about getting it done.

The end.

And while I'm at it, I want to say a big huge congrats to Bari (Super Mom of the Month!) for becoming a half-marathoner this weekend, along with Jen In Real Life, and KIRSTEN (veteran runner!!) HOORAY TO ALL OF YOU!!

Mantra Monday: Go the Distance

Failure is all relative, really.

A person who has high expectations of themselves and falls short will most definitely find themselves a failure in their own mind. It doesn't mean they are, it just means they think they are.

A person who exceeds their own expectations, no matter how large or small their expectations are is most definitely not a failure in their own mind.

It depends on the way you're looking at any given situation and how much you expect of yourself, right?

Now a bolt that popped out of somewhere really important on a plane, causing the plane to crash, well, that's a whole nother story. I'd consider that a failure.

But we are not failures. We might think we have failed because we have expectations of ourselves and sometimes they are unrealistic, but when we fail to meet them, we inevitably feel like failures.

Which is what I felt like around mile 14 of my run yesterday as I'm climbing up over the drawbridge on the causeway (again) and crying.

Around mile 14 is where I stopped running because I couldn't anymore. All I was asking is that my legs keep running, but they wouldn't, they were mad. And I kept passing my car, stopping off to go to my car was a very convenient option since I parked somewhere along the middle of the bridge instead of one end or the other.

So it would have been easy.

And I almost did.

But then I wouldn't have gotten in my 16 miles. And yesterday's run was 16 miles.

I felt defeated, like I always do when I can't finish something with as much vigor and energy as I had when I started it.

I did a little walk/run sometimes but that would peter off and I'd walk again.

And the amount of time I had been out there on that causeway was getting to be literally ridiculous. I had started off when my tri group was gathered to do their bike, and I was still there when they got back, and then I was still there when they started running and I was still there when they finished and even when someone showed up really late and got started, I was still there when he finished his bike and I was still there when he finished his run.

How do you not feel like a failure when you're doing something and it is taking so freakin long that all you are is a big hot sweaty mess and you can hardly move and you're like a junked car that needs to be pushed-pulled-dragged to the nearest dealership for a trade-in?

And so there was some crying because I never thought it would end and I felt like a failure and I had nothing left so I told myself to "SHUT UP AND RUN" and instead I made it about the numbers.

I was not going to stop until I saw 16 on my Garmin. DAMMIT.

And I walked.

I walked some more.

There was a trot somewhere in there.

Maybe a short jog but back to a trot and back to more walking.

And then there was this.

(Ignore that "pace" in there, that's what it says I was doing in my pj's standing there this morning.)

The important part is the 16.

I know these long runs are looming out in front of me and they're not going to be easy but the important part is that no matter how fast or slow I go, if I am not physically broken into pieces, then I must go the distance that my plan says. And screw the clock.

I might not have done it like I thought I should. I might have been out there for the longest 3 hours and 37 minutes of my life (and let me tell you a 1/4 of a mile has never felt so long in my life either.) I might have failed in "going fast" or in "being a gazelle."

But who are we kidding, I'm not that fast and I'm not a gazelle. So I could look at it like failure and as I'm sitting here writing this, there is some element of me that is doing a pretty good job of trying to convince myself I'm not a failure (because somewhere there is always, always a part of me that wishes I had done better.)

But that number is there.

And that's all that matters.

What's your mantra for the week?

The Ever-Changing View: A Mantra Monday

The week before last, when I was typing, it was from the bottom of my mountain. 

The view was scary and daunting. I couldn't even see the top and I was pretty sure that no matter what, the climb was steep and I wouldn't get up there. I looked like a poor little hobo with all my stuff in a hankie on a stick and I didn't feel  like I had any of the resources to climb that mountain and I started in my head to turn back.

At that point I'd had three long workouts to do and I had messed up all of them. It felt like each time I tried to climb with my little tiny rope and my pick-axe, my rope would break or my pick-axe would hit some loose sand and I'd go falling right back down to the bottom.

There was a 30 mile bike and an 8 mile run, a 40 mile bike and an 8 mile run and a long 14 mile run. (Yes, those look like 5 workouts but they were only 3 workouts.)

I missed completing the first one by a 1/2 mile because I couldn't take another step in the 110 degree heat.

The next one I had to wrap up early (on my birthday) because we ran out of light and it was pitched black and we had no lamps.

And the last one we got 11 miles and couldn't go another step in the 100 degree heat.

Right back down to the bottom of the mountain.

To tell you I was discouraged would be an understatement. The only thing that kept me going was that the half-iron website allows you to drop down to Olympic if you think you need to do that.

I do not want to do that.

For me, that would be admitting defeat.

I still can drop down to Olympic. My husband and I discuss it lots. But I really really do not want to give in.

I'm stubborn that way.

To me, it means failure.

I knew going into this, it would not be easy. I am halfway there. It's not supposed to be easy when you get here.

I have already climbed smaller mountains to get here.

To give up now would be like crossing the desert, then battling those disgusting nasty Orcs of Middle Earth only to get to Mordor and decide to give up on destroying the ring.

Sure, I can give up now, but really, I'll have to do this sometime (because I will want to do this sometime) and I can either do it now or I can do it later but it will be the same if I do it now or later because it's always going to be hard, it is never going to be easy whether I do it now or later.

Really, it depends on my view. And where on the mountain I am standing at any given moment.

Because last week when I was writing, I had managed to get myself a little further up the hill. I didn't know I had gotten further up, but I had and the view was starting to look a little better. I still couldn't see the top of the mountain, but I was noticing the climb itself wasn't so bad.

Sure, my long workouts haven't exactly "worked out" as I had planned. But I had a short race last week and that run and bike was much faster than I had ever done. All the work I was doing is actually paying off and it's hard for your view of the mountain to change if you're not seeing the payouts right away. (Doesn't that go for everything?)

That race was perfect timing for my wavering "ready to give up" hobo self. It adjusted my view a little and my place on the mountain.

This weekend, I had a 14 mile run planned.

I had my girlfriends from the Palm Harbor Tri-Warriors with me. It was still in the 70's (finally, my GOD finally! No 100-degree weather!) And it was 5 a.m.

And WE killed it. We ran our 14 miles and at the 13 mile mark I had noticed I beat my previous 13.1 race times by at least 10 minutes and by running 14 miles I had officially run my longest run ever.

When I sat down to write about my mantra this week, I had realized that my view is indeed, starting to change.

My pick-axe has hit some solid dirt and I found myself a stronger rope and the climb, though not easier, is getting steady.

Just by continuing to go.

I still don't know if I have it in me or if I have the right tools, but the higher I go the further down I look and the more distance I see between me and the bottom.

The bottom where I was just a couple weeks ago.

I still can't see the top of the mountain, but when I look down, I can see the tops of some trees now.

I am pretty sure there will be a couple more times where I'll find some loose sand, it'll rain and perhaps I'll get caught in the mudslide or (who knows?) maybe I'll even find a couple of stones that propel me higher quicker.

The point is, I don't know what's going to happen.

But as of this writing I'm glad I didn't turn back.  

'Cause pretty soon if I look down, maybe, just maybe, I might even be able to spot the finish line.

* * *

What's your mantra this week? Where are you on your mountain? Share in the comments or post about it and leave your link in the comments below!

PS. PLEASE please please read about my latest giveaway that ends Wednesday! It's a Christmas in September giveaway!

I EFFING BELONG HERE! A Mantra Monday post.

If you have ever stood in the middle of a large crowd, sweating, heart pounding, thinking everyone there is more in shape than you are, has been doing it for longer and knows what they're doing, is better than you or faster than you and you're feeling out of place, I have one word for you: DON'T.

Because YOU belong there.

YOU do.

I did the Sand Key Triathlon yesterday (Sunday) and I had an epiphany.

I've been feeling down on myself for my training rut. I've not been able to finish my long training sessions lately, cutting them short because I'm too hot, too dehydrated or because we raced against sunlight and lost, so so many reasons. This training has been really hard. I'd been getting into my own head and the negative self-talk has been free-flowing.

You'll never be able to finish that.

It's just too hot.

All these people are better than you are.

THEY are doing it, but YOU won't be able to because you're not as good of an athlete as they are.

You're slow.

Why are you even doing this?

You're in way over your head.

The list goes on and on. No wonder I'm not finishing.

In the swim in yesterday's triathlon, there were jellyfish everywhere. There was a time when this would have made me FREAK out but this time I just closed my eyes and hoped for the best. It wasn't fast, but I finished. I finished the swim 27th out of 28 people. Yes almost dead last in the swim (even though I didn't know it at the time). But whatever. I ran through transition, hopped on my bike and proceeded to bike my heart out and finish 11th out of 28 people in the bike. So there. Although of course I didn't know any of the placements at the time, I was just going from one thing to the next as fast as I could.

But it was on the bike where I had my epiphany.

Somewhere about half-way through where I was feeling a little defeated and was watching some hardbodies pass me, I picked it up. I started pounding away and passing people. I was passing dudes. I love passing dudes. And for the very first time ever, I thought, ya know what? I *EFFING* belong here.

(Only it wasn't "effing" in my head.)

I thought, I BELONG HERE. I work hard for this. I BELONG HERE, DAMMIT! Sure they do too. But so do I.

Why don't I? I remember reading about someone's training recently and about how they were afraid to do a race because they thought everyone would be looking at them on race day like they don't belong. She thought she might not be as good of a runner as them. That she might not belong.

I remember telling her that of course she belonged, because she had been training too! She deserved every bit of this race, just as the people around her did! And that seriously, no one is looking at you, they're just not. They're stuck in their own heads thinking about the very same thing you are.

Anyway, I remember telling her that and then as I sat on my own bike feeling intimidated, I remembered that I was feeling just like she was that maybe I didn't belong. But I know it's not true, I know it's not true because I belonged there, too.

And it wasn't until I allowed myself to believe that I belonged there too that I gave it everything. I repeated to myself with every pedal, with everything I had going up the bridges and flying down, going down the straightaways passing everyone I could. Because when I don't believe in myself, do you know who passes me? The people who believe in themselves.

Sure, it could be the adrenaline talking. But something has to get you through to the finish line, right?

On the run, my legs were hurting a little but instead I felt the wind on my face and saw the sun shining over the palm trees and they stopped hurting.

I thought about my choice of Bondi Band for the day, I chose something positive, the one I bought from Kirsten for her niece's fundraiser, I chose "You can...and you WILL."

I thought about Kirsten's niece battling cancer and how no child should have to trade in dates and girlyness and movies with friends and all of that highschoolness for chemotherapy treatments.

I thought about how she is going through her own battle and that any of my pain on this run is nothing in comparison.

I got all choked up and remembered how hard it is to run while you're crying so I pulled it together.

And then I thought about how absolutely beautiful the weather was and how for the first time all summer, it was actually cool outside for once (or below 100 degrees, anyway) and how I've been waiting to run in this weather all freaking summer.

I basked in the beauty of this day and I took my mind off the pain and just ran.

And would you believe, there was no pain. None. It melted away and I just ran as hard as I could.

And I beat my goal of 9:40 miles (which I thought was a pipe dream!) BUT I BEAT IT! I ran my 5k in a new triathlon pr: 28:43!!!

And then I remembered how freaking good it feels to be proud of yourself. After beating myself up for so long, it felt really really good to be proud of myself for once. I needed something like this so badly, just so I could remind myself about why I am doing this in the first place.

Training just doesn't work when you don't believe in yourself. Racing doesn't work when you don't believe in yourself. Nothing works when you don't believe in yourself and I saw it for myself this weekend.

It's not enough just to show up. You have to believe that you belong there, too.

* * *

What's your mantra this week? Share it here or write a post and post the link in the comments below!

Mantra Monday: I'm Doing it Because I WANT to.

Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed.

Like right now.

Yes. Right at this moment.

When the to-do list overfloweth and the calendar gets packed and then on top of it, unexpected things get thrown in and all atthesametime of course, literally, at the same time.

And then I have to stop and take a moment and collect myself and breathe. And write lists. Lots and lots of lists. On my Cat In The Hat and Green Eggs and Ham paper.

And then remind myself that I'm doing most, if not all of these things because I WANT TO.

That doing most of and actually probably all of the things in my life that I'm doing are all because I want to do them.

Not because I have to.

Because I want to.

Because sometimes my overwhelmedness can take over my ability to enjoy every moment that I am living because I am looking ahead to whatever it is that I have to do next or should be doing now and it takes over my ability to live in the present. And every thing that I am doing right now requires me to be in the present. 

Even the not so pleasant stuff. 

Sure, we can ignore that I might have a slight problem overextending and overcommitting myself but who are we kidding, I LOVE being busy, it's the way I love my life and when I'm not busy I'm miserable. My foot taps and I get antsy. But I don't want to do everything half-assed either. And I don't want to look at the things that I love so much as chores. Because they're NOT! It is what I want to do! Remember, Christie? 

It's such a condundrum.

If only I can stop and take time to enjoy all the things I am doing.

Even the not so pleasant stuff.

So I'm going to spend this week just checking things off my list, trying not to be overwhelmed, since you know, it is my birthday week and all (Friday! 35! Whooee, advanced maternal age here I come!) and reminding myself in every way that for whatever it is I am driving to or driving from or running to or going from next to next to next, I am doing it because I want to. So stop stressing out.

And the not so pleasant stuff? Good stuff always comes of it. I will remember that too.

I will also remember that for the time that I am doing what it is I am doing, including writing this post, that whatever it is I am doing is the only thing I should be doing during that time. (Confusing enough?)

In otherwords: I WILL BE PRESENT.

I will not multitask in my head. I will not look ahead to what's next. I will not secretly Blackberry in the bathroom.

I will be present.

I will try not to stress out, I will write lists, I will check them all off because remember, I am doing these things because I want to, and above all, I will be present.

* * *

How about you? What does your week look like? Join me every Monday and share your Mantra for the week! Tackling this this week is also part of my project at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans, you can read all about that right here and feel free to join in too!

Mantra Monday: Break the Rules. Really. It's OK.

I'm posting late because I just got back from Vegas! Woohoo! We took the red-eye and of course I didn't sleep well on the plane and now I am home and back and school has started and so has life and it's all happily back to normal.

I had a hard time with some things last week and I got to thinking real hard about life and what you should and shouldn't do and when you should keep going and when you should let go.

I've mostly followed the rules in my life when it was important and of course there were times where I followed the rules and probably shouldn't have because I got nowhere and there are times when I broke the rules and found myself in a mess and there were times when I broke the rules and did the absolute right thing by doing it.

Perhaps a little fibbing or skipping proper channels to get ahead or to get noticed or going straight to the CEO to correct a situation where I've been wronged (or maybe even some fibbing or flirting to get into an event, maybe?)

Since becoming a mother, I have definitely found myself fighting more for the things I've believed in rather than letting things go. The "old me" would have let someone say something nasty and I'd walk away thinking, "Did that person just say that?" The "old me" wouldn't have gotten outwardly angry at someone and stick up for myself. The "old me" wouldn't push for that little bit of extra whatever. The "old me" was bashful and timid and afraid of what people thought about me. Most of which went out the window the day I had my first child. Last week I took a huge step in my life by using my voice and I'm proud of myself for doing it.

I don't know what it was, but something about motherhood has made me bolder and has given me the uncanny ability to see right through the bullsh*t and call someone out on it.

Last week, I believed whole-heartedly that the situation warranted letting go. It wasn't all a wash for me, there were some concessions made on both sides and after living with the decision for a week, I still believe I did the right thing. I love so much that so many of you left me kind comments and sent me e-mails of support which is why I love blogging so much because not only can I get this stuff off my chest (in this case in a round about way) but there is such a wonderful support system here, with so many extra ears and eyes and shoulders and words of wisdom that I can take with me and I love that so much.

One of the kindest emails I got came from a wonderful (badass) lady I trained with before she had the audacity to move away and she reminded me that it is indeed ok to break the rules and I love her spirit and fire about rule-breaking. She's the type of person who indeed grabs life by the horns and lives.

She reminded me of how important rule-breaking is, sometimes. And she's right.

Because sometimes the "rules" that were put in place weren't made to fit every situation anyway and then sometimes breaking the rules means getting further ahead (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, of course.)

Sometimes breaking the rules just means simply using your voice, your powerful woman voice that we put away so often because it just might not look good to do otherwise. Sometimes breaking the rules means taking a stance that's unpopular. Sometimes breaking the rules means being 35 and wearing tight leather pants anyway.

Rule-breaking can be amazing and she reminded me of how we should do it more! 

And she sent me this link about women behaving badly and it said this:

"Use your outside voice inside

Take the last serving

BE the unexpected

Say what you are really thinking

Let yourself be a bad mother for a day, or an hour, or a minute

Rock the boat!

Be shrill, be downright hysterical

Take the credit, take ALL of the credit, for a job well done

Think about yourself for a change"

It's from a blog at Title Nine and it is just so true.

I don't want to always follow the rules. I don't want to sit back and let someone else take my credit. I am not afraid to be hysterical (you would know this if you were sitting in that room with me last week), and I indeed said what I was really thinking. I rarely think about myself and take the last serving but I should and I will. Because why not?

There is something about this passage that reminds me that there is only one life here, that we are here to build it and live it the best that we can and that by letting some moments pass us we are letting life pass us and these are things I don't want to do.

I believe in stopping to take pictures even when I'm in a rush, I believe whole-heartedly in loopholes and I believe in breaking rules (as long as it's not vindictive and no one gets hurt.)

So what about you? Are you a rule breaker or a rule follower and when have you broken them and do you believe you should do it more?