I Do NOT Have a Lip-Hair Problem! (Or Do I?)

I am a like a hairless dog.

I rarely have to shave my legs.

I have about 4 hairs in each pit. I shave them, but only when they look freakish because until they're freakish, you can't tell I have any. (You're welcome.)

My eyebrows are nearly blonde and that's why I can almost pull off the blonde hair.

My arms are close to bald. It's the Native American, says my mom. We are a hairless people. I don't have documentation to back this up, but she tells me this so I believe her.

My eyebrows, however, must be the only thing on me that is not Native American because, though blonde, they can get like Peter Gallagher's. You know, (the dad from the O.C.?) bushy, sometimes separate as two eyebrows but sometimes they merge into one?

I hate plucking so I get them waxed. In the name of frugality, eyebrow waxing is one of the few services I now splurge on because I can no longer rationalize the cost of a mani-pedi. The 8 bucks for an eyebrow wax, now that I can do.

I don't have any loyalty to anywhere, I usually just go to this one nail place in the mall just because it's easy, it's right near to where I park normally and I just pop in, sit down, get waxed, then shimmy off to whereever else I'm going which usually has something to do with children's clothing or toys.

So right before vacation, I go to my normal place because I have now reached "eyebrow emergency" status which is like a Homeland Security code red, and they take me right away. I sit down, we exchange pleasantries although neither one of us understand what we are saying but that's ok, eyebrow waxing is like a universal language so we just launch into the series of nods and smiles and pretend we do.

At the end, she's wiping up my eyes with baby oil and my head rolls back because after the ripping and the tearing, the soft baby oil always feels so nice on my face (ahhhhhhh....) and I start to fall asleep not really but I am pretty darned relaxed at this point until she says, so sweetly, "Lip now?"

Silence.

Um.

No?

Whatchootalkingboutwillis?!

Whose lip? MY lip?

Wait a minute. Now I have a lip hair problem? When did this begin? Do I really have hair on my lip? Have I been walking around like this and no one has told me? Is this one of those things that you begin to find when you're past 30?

I really honestly don't recall ever having a lip hair problem (not that there's anything wrong with it, I have plenty of friends who have to pay some extra attention to their upper lip, I do not judge, you gotta embrace whatcha got, ya know?) but I feel slightly offended that she believes that I DO have a lip hair problem and it makes me feel self-conscious and unaware of my being that I might not ever have noticed a lip hair problem (and a little embarrassed, quite frankly -- it's like being the friend who smells but no one wants to say anything!) And then if I don't have a lip hair problem (which I suspect), I'm annoyed just because someone in the world thinks I DO!

Well I swore off that place and promptly returned home to drill my husband about my upper lip hair (to which he says I have none) and then called my best friend whom I had just seen a few days before that to drill her about my upper lip hair (to which she also says I have none) and I drill anyone else who can hear me and no one seems to think I have any hair on my lip whatsoever. Or at least they're not saying that I do.

Anyway, I returned to that place today (dummy) because I allowed my eyebrows to grow completely out of control again like wirey weeds taking over my face (sort of like my root problem because see? I RECOGNIZE when there's a problem!) and they (again) take me right away and (again) we exchange all pleasantries and I am not quite sure if this is the same lady or not and I'm feeling pretty good because I'm out of the house alone and I'm about to do some school shopping until she begins to look over my eyebrows and says, "Lip too?"

I mean, really. Is it really that bad????????!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And another few exclamation marks over here because I am dying inside over my lip situation!!!!!)

I say, "No, thank you," while obviously giving her the "stink eye" and she continues on to say, "You sure? You have A LOT!"

Of course now I want to crawl in a hole.

And leave without tipping.

After she tames my eyebrows, of course.

By the time I'm finished, there are at least three more ladies standing around me and I can't understand what they're saying but I just know in my heart that she has summoned them over to "get a look at this girl and her unsightly amount of lip hair!"

I tried even to pick up a few key words that maybe I could look up in some foreign language dictionary at a later date, but I eventually give it up.

Now, I suspect she just wanted to charge me for more than an eyebrow wax and that's why she's telling me there's A LOT! You know, to scare me. She's using scare tactics. She just wants more tip. But here's where I tell the rest of you: the good friend thing to do is to tell me I have a problem if there is one! Just in case you are reading and have noticed it but don't want to say anything! (You may leave an anonymous comment.)

As of this writing, my husband was on his way home and I told him on the phone that the lady gave me the business about my lip again. He was shocked and didn't believe me and then told me that if she asks me if I want my lip waxed again next time that I can ask her if she wants her eye blackened.

That made me happy inside.

But of course, I could just not go there again. That would be much more civil.

Unless of course, I truly do have a problem. In which case I'd go to someone else anyway because I'm too embarrassed to go back there. But of course I don't have an unsightly upper lip hair problem.

Or do I?