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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My Car Has B.O.


My car has a nasty case of B.O.

You can literally see the green fumes emanating from it and hear the blast of that foghorn sound that funky B.O. makes in the cartoons.

If my car had armpits, I'd hand it some Baby Powder-scented "Secret" and hope that it got the hint.

I don't know what happened but one day it was fine and then one day it warmed up and wasn't fine at all and now it is not good. Whatever it is took a turn for the worse when the weather warmed up.

And we cannot find the source. We've searched. We've taken out everything. We've turned seats upside down. We've removed and cleaned rugs. We've scoured. My car has never in its life been so clean. It's even kind of nice now to have a car this clean! Except of course for the smell.

Which is evil. 

Pure evil.

It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with the stinky car and everyone who goes in comes out stinking. It doesn't matter what spray or cleaner I've used either, the powerful odiferous mystery completely overpowers it within minutes of closing the door. My mom sat next to me at my son's baseball game and complained of something stinky and all I can think is that it's spreading to me! My car is making me funky! I quickly dismissed it as a coffee smell, which it totally wasn't and I'm pretty sure she knew that.

Airing it out hasn't worked either. Well it works for a few minutes but then I turn on the air conditioner and get blasted with the smell of hot dead ass because here in Florida it's already hitting 80 degrees. Then I turn off the air conditioner and then the offending odor just bakes. I can't win.

I've checked under the hood but I didn't see anything obvious in there and to be honest, I don't really know which nooks and crannies to look in, there seem to be a lot of them.

So I don't know what else to do short of heading to the mechanic to take the whole thing apart and who has time for that?

And more importantly, what could possibly be making this smell?!

Then my dad who has some experience with cars checked under the hood and proclaimed that he didn't see any fur or anything, which to me is always a good sign. No fur. So his theory is a lizard or a mouse or something small that we can't find.

And if that's the case, all I can do is let this thing run its course, right?

But it's torture! I'm in the car all the time! How long will this take?!

I saw a "Pest Removal" van pass me when I was on a bike ride and I thought about writing down the number because they're used to this sort of thing right?

But I didn't have a pen in my bike jersey.

Plus that would've been dangerous.

So I'm stuck.

I'm probably driving around as you're reading this right now in complete and utter torture either holding my breath or hanging my head out the window. So if you have any ideas or experience in this area, I'd love some advice. Or at the very least, some deoderizing vibes. Anything will help me.

I think next I'll try some baking soda, maybe that'll soak it up. (Or maybe an exorcism?) It can't hurt, right?

Please tell me this will go away soon.

I don't wanna be the stinky mom.

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I tri because one day I didn't believe in myself. And then one day I did.

"I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of a man is to live, not to exist." - Jack London

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