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Thursday, August 19, 2010

I'm Thankful for My White Tappy Shoes After All

I've been thinking a lot about motherhood lately and how mothers really are our every day heroes because I look at my own mother and everything she had done and I started to realize that it's not until I became a mother myself that I actually started to "get it" and feel bad about the schmuck I sometimes was growing up. And that's why I think this letter is long overdue.


Mom,

I didn't understand when you wouldn't let me have the black patent leather "tap shoes" when you had already bought me white.

I didn't understand why you wouldn't give me 20 bucks every time I wanted to go out with my friends to the movies.

I didn't understand why you made me come home at 11 when all my other friends went home at 12.

I didn't understand why you were so upset when I waltzed in at 4 in the morning that one time (for the record, I'd have slapped me too.)

I didn't understand why you got mad at all my whining, which just got louder when my friends were around.

I didn't understand why you wouldn't let me stay home alone that summer when I thought I was old enough.

I didn't understand how money didn't grow on trees in our backyard, why you "had your reasons" and what those reasons were.

I didn't understand how hard you worked to make our family work.

I didn't understand what kind of soul-searching you must have done as a mother, but more importantly, as a woman, or the depth of either.

I didn't understand how much work it really was (because on the outside you made it look so easy.)

I didn't understand it back then but I'm going to be 35 this year and now I have children of my own. I have little tiny heart attacks when they fall, flee, dart, or when a second goes by and I don't see them in my line of vision and my heart stops until that next second when I spot them. I want to wrap them up in bubble wrap, put a thousand tiny orange traffic cones around them to stop some parts of the outside world from penetrating their tiny beautiful, open minds. I think you were generous with 11 o'clock because right now I think 7 is late. I think you were generous for not calling the police that one night and I hope you know now how grateful I am that you bought me patent leather shoes at all.

I understand now. I understand all of it. And I love you.

You were the first to wear a cape in my life.

7 comments:

mommaof3ontherun said...

So, true..you don't get it until you are the parent! I've had a similar conversation with my mom!

Skinny Sushi said...

Well thanks for making me cry! I love this post, so sweet!

AnnG said...

What a sweet post for your mom! Hope she gets to read it!

~Mendie~ said...

tears....I love this Christie.
I can't wait to wear a cape.

Jessi said...

Wow...while I've had a small version of this conversation with my mom, reading this makes me want to write ALL of it down for her. This was SO sweet.

Deb said...

How beautiful!

Momulla said...

What size shoe are you?

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