New Hair Chair Chrisaster

Do you remember that Seinfeld episode that started at the end and went back to the beginning, the one where Kramer had that lollipop and you could tell we were getting closer to the beginning of the episode because they kept flashing back to Kramer's lollipop and it kept getting bigger and bigger?

In sheer desperation this weekend (and for lack of planning) I went to the same hair place where my favorite person left (Yes, she left, and I may have mentioned it one or 400 times that I was devastated because hair people are important to me and I've only ever had two in my life that I've loved) and so I went to there and I got a different person.

Really I was just hoping they'd have that little card in the back room with all my info about my color on it and I'd be covered for a couple weeks while I found myself a new person.

Anyway back to the lollipop. I was at the hairplace for as long as it took a little teenager girl to eat one of those giant lollipops that Kramer was eating in that Seinfeld episode.

She had a giant lollipop and every time she'd head toward me with her giant lollipop as I sat in the chair I'd see how far down it had gotten and it would tell me how long I was there.

So in this episode, she'll play Kramer.

I probably play George.

So, we sat down and looked at my terrible roots and I started explaining that the blonde had gotten a bit "brassy" and I'd like it to be blonde but a little toned down, more like a honey, not orange, not yellow, more like a warm blonde.

So she says, ok we'll do some highlights and low-lights then. Which sounds fantastic! For there are many shades of blonde!

So we do all the foils and I'm pretty sure I can get a good 150 channels reception on my head with all the foils I'm wearing and I go wait my hour for it all to bake.

We rinse it out and I'd like it to be noted here that it's never, ever a good thing when your hairperson begins a sentence with: "Don't be alarmed the first time you see it, but...."

If you ever, ever hear that sentence, just brace yourself to not cry in the hair chair.

So she says, "Don't be alarmed the first time you see it, but it's a little darker when it's wet than it will be when it's dry." And I start to worry but I'm thinking, "Don't worry, self, I'm sure it's fine."

Until she spins me around in the chair...

And I notice that I have very zebra-like characteristics.

It is definitely dark. And the blonde is more like a gray. A gray-white. And the brown is BROWN. I have brown streaks. Not highlights. Stripes.

So if a zebra and Cruella Deville had a baby...

That would be me. Not happy. And I realize the picture does not show the stripes but they're there. Oh yes. They're there.

(Lollipop is now about halfway gone.)

So she starts to cut it and she blow dries it and it is really not any better, in fact it's worse because the hope I was holding out that it would be better fades and I stop her and my inner George wanted to come out but instead I say in my pathetic tiny little voice because I am not good at this, "I'm sorry. I really hate to do this to you but, that brown is a little dark for me. I was hoping for sort of a honey blonde, but this is really, really brown."

I am so terrible at complaining about my hair. It stresses me out so much I am in agony just saying this.

So she stops and she thinks and says, "Well, it'll definitely fade over the next few days." And I know I can't live with that so I say, "I know, but I don't know if I can do this brown."

And she says, "OK, we'll foil you up and tone it down and I'll put some golden toner in it and we'll lighten it up."

About 3/4 of Kramer's giant lollipop later, we rinse. It is toned down, but overall, I went in blonde and I came out brown.

She was very nice but she pretty much did the opposite of what I asked. Like:

• Want Blonde: Got Brown
• Want no flat iron: Got flat iron
• Want no big round bob: Got big round bob blown out with big round brush

Result: Big brown football helmet.

The lollipop is almost entirely gone now.

I really just wanted her to be done so I could run out of there screaming like my ass was on fire. And of course I came home and my husband says, "I liked it blonde! Why did you change it?"

This was one of the worst 24 hours of my hairlife. And I say "hairlife" because I'm pretty sure I've actually had worse problems than hair problems but still.  Awful haircuts are pretty devastating to me.

Sidebar: When I was pregnant, my tummy didn't just get pregnant, all of me got pregnant. So all I had left to fit and feel pretty with was my hair and my shoes. Eventually pregnancy got my hair too because it sucked it up into a dry frizzy heap so then all I had were shoes. And then one night I went to go get new clothes because nothing fit and I went out and I tried on everything and nothing fit and my hair was a mess so I got some new Steve Madden shoes in an attempt to feel pretty and these shoes were really fantastic, I don't think you even understand, they had beads on them. And then my loving husband got mad because I went out for clothes and came back with shoes and let me tell you, HELL HATH NO FURY AS A PREGNANT WOMAN WHO CAN'T FIT INTO ANYTHING AND CAME HOME INSTEAD WITH A PAIR OF SHOES.

My poor husband. And I still have those shoes.

Anyway.

Back to the hair. She fixed it sort of but I was dying inside and only left because the place was closing. I closed the place down and the girl finished her lollipop.

So I woke up with one agenda: new hair. And I called everyone who was recommended by someone (thank you!) but no one called me back (wah wahhhh.) But in the end, I took my mommy's advice and went back to the scene of the crime and asked for a redo.

And she redid.

Stripped it clean, moisturized it and redid it. No charge. Thank God. Because I was gearing up for that conversation and that was stressing me out too.

And so goes the hair Chrisaster of 2010.

But I am happy now. For at least the next 4-6 weeks in which I will have a search party out for a new hairperson.

See what happens when good hairpeople leave you?