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Thursday, September 09, 2010

Cold Showers = Shower Boycott

This weekend I went on a shower boycott.

Yes for two days I stunk.

It was in my best shower interest that it was a holiday weekend and the kids were sick because I was able to be holed up in my house away from society while I stunk so no one actually knew about it until now. Unless of course you were on Facebook and saw my anger about our hot water heater "situation."

I stunk because our water heater broke and I could only take so much of the cold shower. By the second day of the cold shower (Sunday) I couldn't take it anymore and decided to be one with my filth until the hot water heater guy showed up on Tuesday. So really it was only a day and a half without a shower really which actually isn't that bad. It just felt like forever to me. And possibly my family.

Anyway, if you must take a cold shower and you, like me, aren't one with them (and I do recognize that plenty of people take cold showers and yes the cold shower very often is a necessity in life and definitely has its place in society and some people actually like cold showers but obviously I am not one of them) but anyway, regardless, if you must take a cold shower and you hate them, here are some helpful tips for getting in and out in 30 seconds or less. However, be warned that the entire cold shower process actually takes at least 30 minutes from start to finish: at least 15 minutes of prep and at least 15 minutes of readjusting to the appropriate body temperature afterward.

  • Start by first turning on the water and pointing it all the way toward the Hot as far as it will go in a desperate attempt for a hot water miracle. Because if there is a shot in hell that there is any hot water left anywhere, you WANT THAT.
  • Wait and keep testing the water with your hand over and over again, allowing your mind to play tricks on you, making you think for a minute that maybe it is actually getting warmer! Then realizing that no, you're just getting used to it and it really is still cold.
  • Finally give up and realize the dream of hot water is dead and that the hot water miracle is not occurring because you've been standing there testing it and praying for it for 15 minutes.
  • Disrobe disgruntledly.
  • Jump into the shower and stand as far away from the cold water as possible. All the way to the back of the shower. Literally. Because even those splashes are freezing.
  • Reach as far as you can and hold just your hands in the water, then bend at an approximately 45 degree angle, still standing as far away from the water as possible but putting your face just close enough that you can splash it and get it wet without getting any other part of your body wet with the cold frigid freezing horrible water.
  • Using soap, wash face quickly by spreading soap around and rinsing, not paying any special attention to whether or not you've missed any spots.
  • 1st worst part ever: still standing as far away from water as possible, stick only head into frigid freezing cold water so that shower is hitting the back of your head and you are looking straight down so that the water rolls straight down your head but still the rest of your body remains dry.
  • Shampoo head as quickly as possible and rinse as quickly as possible while breathing and panting heavily and possibly seeing your own breath.
  • 2nd worst part ever: immerse entire body into frigid stream of water for approximately 1/110th of a second and jump back out.
  • Grab shower gel, rub over body and into crevasses and jump back in frivolously rinsing and moving feet quickly as if on hot coals and then pray that you've gotten all the soap off.
  • Jump out of the shower and immediately into at least 10 towels and then go lay in your bed underneath your feather comforter.
  • When you feel your extremities again and the frostbite seems to relent, put on your warmest robe and tall fluffy socks and wrap your head in a towel.
  • Realize afterward you didn't get all the soap off and that you didn't use conditioner because you cut your losses and couldn't stand another second in that water, so then you get to walk around with frizzhead all day. But hey, at least it's clean frizzhead, right? At least until you decide to boycott cold showers.


Kirsten said...

Great description of something I've *never* done. No, really. I've never been in that situation to which I laughed out loud in commiseration. Love you girl! Thanks for the giggle.

Saretta said...

We have had problems with our hot water heater many times (it's partly solar and partly...I don't know Eskimo maybe!). Your process for washing in freezing water is exactly the same as mine. I feel for you!

Carrie said...

Oh, I feel your pain. Been there, done that. I find it much better to heat water on the stove and take a PTA (pits, *its and a$$) shower. Its not ideal, but either is stinking all weekend. Right after I brought my son home for the hospital our water heater broke, I ended up moving in with my parents for the week.

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Anonymous said...

Well, Jack Kung is very polite, isn't he?

I have never (and will never) take a cold shower. I will find a way to shower, or I will stink. There is no other option.

Pubsgal said...

LOL! But in a commiserating sort of way. We did have a time BC (Before Children) when the water heater went out. Luckily, we had one of those solar shower bag things you can take camping. We heated water on the stove and used that in the bag. Now, I think I'd just use the showers at the gym. Cold showers are not for me, either. I'd rather stink.

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